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wanker, valentine
Now this is a story all about how my life got flipped-turned upside down, and I liked to take a minute just sit right there and tell you how I became the prince of a town called Bel-Air.

Ok that's not really the story I am going to tell, but this one is almost as good.

This is the story about how I almost divorced my husband of barely three months. See, this happened 12 years ago, so it's funny now and I can write about it and laugh, but at the time nobody was laughing. Well, that's a lie, a lot of people were laughing, but I wasn't one of them and neither was he.

We had just got married, you see. We were living in an ugly little apartment and I had just started my brand-new office job. He had just started working for the restaurant-that-shall-remain-nameless. That means I was working Monday-Friday 8-5 like a good little Administrative Assistant, and he was working bizarro hours that were nothing like mine. Valentine's Day fell on a Monday that year, if I recall.

He was still asleep from working the night before when I when I left for work that morning. And like a hopelessly doe-eyed girl I anticipated a lovely first Valentine's Day with my new husband. (Give me a break, ok? I was barely out of the womb when I got married and I had a lot of expectations about love and relationships and Prince Charmings and all that bullshit.)

Here, I think it will be more effective and less wordy if I just do a little timeline for y'all.

7:15am: Kiss sleeping hubby on the cheek and wish him a Happy Valentine's Day, leaving a card on the kitchen table, anticipating a sweet surprise at some point in the day.

8am-5pm: Watch every woman in the office get called up to reception and bring back gorgeous deliveries from husbands and boyfriends that aren't idiots.

5-5:45pm: Drive home, thinking he must have been BUSY all day preparing something breathtaking. I mean, why else would he not have called or sent me anything? Oh damn, this is going to be GOOD. Those girls at the office only wish their husband's were doing something as thoughtful as mine must have been doing. Something that kept him busy all damn day! I bet I will walk into an apartment filled with rose petals in every color. You just wait and see.

5:45pm: Arrive home to an empty apartment, an empty messy apartment at that. No note. Unmade bed. No gourmet dinner. No flowers. No husband. No nothing.

(You have to remember that this was before the days when everyone had cell phones.)

6pm: Hmm. This is odd. Oh, I bet he's out getting dinner. Or picking up my gift. That has to be it.

6:30pm: Ok, this is getting ridiculous.

7pm: Seriously? Now is about the time I started to panic a little. I have visions of us ending up on Unsolved Mysteries. "Newlywed husband disappears without a trace on Valentine's Day. Grief stricken bride is beside herself with worry." I start making calls. To his work, my mom, etc. Where could he be? This isn't like him. What am I going to wear to his funeral? Something horrible happened. I just know it.

8pm: THAT SON OF A BITCH BETTER HAVE A GOOD REASON FOR DOING THIS TO ME. That or he better be dead. If he's not dead I'm going to kill him.

9pm: Phone rings. I answer in seconds. Conversation goes like this:
Me: HELLO?!?!?
Hubs: You're going to kill me.
Me: OH MY GOD WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU I AM WORRIED SICK WHAT IS GOING ON?
Hubs: Um. Please. Please don't kill me. Honey. You're going to kill me but I need you to come pick me up.
Me: Pick you up? What? Where? What has happened? WHERE ARE YOU?
Hubs: Um. Like. On Mt. Moriah...um...near American Way.
Me: What are you doing out th (THEN RECOGNITION HITS) ...silence..
Me: PLATINUM PLUS? YOU'RE AT PLATINUM PLUS? ARE YOU F-ING KIDDING ME???
 
In case you haven't figured it out- that's a strip club.

Me: <Lots of incoherent screaming and curse words>
Hubs: Honey. Please calm down. Please listen to me. I'm so sorry. It's not my fault. I know you're going to kill me but it's not my fault. Please just come get me and I'll explain. I am stuck here with no ride.
Me: What? Where is your car? I DON'T EVEN CARE. YOU CAN WALK HOME FOR ALL I CARE. I HATE YOU AND I'M NEVER SPEAKING TO YOU AGAIN. (grabbing car keys, of course)
Hubs: Honey. Please? It's SCARY out here. Get in the car and come get me.
Me: FINE. But I am NOT going in that parking lot you can walk somewhere else. Walk across the street to the car dealership, I'll pick you up there!

9:10-9:40pm: Drive to seedy, scary part of town to retrieve my dogassdipshitstupidassmoron husband. Whom I hate. And will never speak to again.

9:40: Arrive at destination. He looks like he's about to cry. I am crying. I got in the passenger seat.

9:40-10:05pm: Listen to his story in between cursing fits. His story went something like this, paraphrased: "Dick* (*names of the not-so-innocent have been changed. Dick* was his brand new boss at brand new job.) called me and said he was taking me to lunch. I met him at work and we took his car. He didn't even tell me we were going there! I swear it! I tried to laugh it off and he promised we were going to be there for less than an hour! Then he wouldn't leave! Before I knew it he went off to the back room with a stripper and left me there and I haven't seen him since! He disappeared for hours. I think he left with her. I didn't know what to do! Finally I knew I had no choice but to call you. I'm an idiot."

10:05pm: Arrive home to a message on the answering machine from Dick*. "Uhhh hey Chip, this is Dick*. Um. I'm real sorry we got separated at um...Red Lobster (or some other benign place, I don't even remember). I looked for you but I couldn't find you. Anyway, I'm home now. I hope you're ok. Um...call me later."

Epilogue:
1. Dick's* wife was 8 months pregnant at the time and I hated him ever since, he was fired shortly thereafter.
2. The next day, he brought me a dozen dead roses from the grocery store because that's all he could find in the city. I threw them at him and cried.
3. It was a long time before I didn't hate him.
4. For the decade+ he worked for this company we couldn't go to any work-function without hearing this story being told. It became a legend. And thus, HE became a legend. The legend of the most stupid thing any husband has ever done on Valentine's Day. Ever.
5. I asked his permission before I told this story to the world.
6. I find it hysterical now, 12 years later.
7. I think I have hated Valentine's Day ever since.

Comments

( 3 comments — Leave a comment )
bogwitch64
Feb. 14th, 2012 03:20 pm (UTC)
Wow--rock and a hard place, huh? I feel sorry for Dick's wife...probably EXwife by now.

My husband had something similar happen to him on a business trip out to California (we're on the east coast.) The bigwig boss of the company he was with at the time was "taking them all out for a fabulous dinner" that turned out to be a strip club. There were women in the group, too. When they pulled in the driveway and the hubs saw what it was, he refused to get out of the car, saying, "I'll just wait here, thanks. You can bring me a burger." The rest got out, including the very uncomfortable women. Less than half hour later, most of the women came out. Then the men started trickling out. Last was bigwig boss, furious. The hubs nearly lost his job over it.

I would have happily lived in poverty with such a man. :) Luckily, I didn't have to!
onegrapeshy
Feb. 14th, 2012 06:31 pm (UTC)
This story TOTALLY made my day! ROFL!
(Anonymous)
Mar. 15th, 2013 09:13 am (UTC)
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