son of a...that's gonna leave a mark.

So I don't blog much anymore for those who have noticed. I just am not feeling it. I feel like I am such a negative person lately and who wants to read that? I'm going to do it today anyway. If you don't want to hear me complain, you should just stop reading now. Although I might be able to muster up some fun and positivity once my fingers start tapping away on the keys. You never know...

1. WHAT am I going to do with all this stufffff? The baby's room is coming along nicely, albeit slowly. While I was in Memphis this week my sweet husband, without being nagged asked, did the following:

-painted the nursery
-brought down the crib from the attic, in 30982305838 pieces
-brought down all the newborn clothes/blankets, etc
-washed said items
-notified me that he washed them "in that baby detergent stuff", and when I raised an eyebrow because we don't have any of that "baby laundry detergent stuff", he informed me that he made a special trip out to the store to buy some. This surprised me for so many reasons, but mostly because I didn't even think that he knew such a detergent existed, much less the importance of it.

I was so moved by him doing this stuff without me asking and he laughed and said "Well I think I'm nesting."  lol. So cute.

Mom rant: for the record, I'm not a nutcase about washing all of baby's stuff in ridiculously expensive, specialized baby laundry detergent, however, I think it is vitally important at least in the very beginning to not bombard perfectly pure skin with harsh detergents, dyes and perfumes. That being said, once this first bottle of baby detergent is gone and I'm sure he has been properly exposed to all of those things, I will never buy it again and he can suffer with the Tide like the rest of us.

ANYWAY- back to my original problem of the STUFF. The baby's room was my guest room and goodfreakinglord I had a lot of crap in there....which is now spilled out around the rest of my house, and is subsequently making me want to throw myself in front of a bus. I want to have a yard sale but it's SO much work. Can't I just open up the doors to my house and sell anything and everything anybody wants?

Moving on.
2. Since my child won't eat ANYTHING I have become one of those parents-I-never-thought-I'd-be and stopped and got him a Happy Meal before I had lunch with my girlfriend the other day at a restaurant that didn't have a kids menu. (Note: he didn't eat any of the Happy Meal anyway.)

I was really annoyed when we got to the restaurant and noticed that there wasn't a toy in the Happy Meal. WTF, McDonald's? Who do you think you are? That was my plan for entertaining him at the restaurant while we ate and talked. Instead of a toy, like they have done since the BEGINNING OF TIME, there was a CD in the bag. Gee thanks. Not only was it a stupid ass CD, it was a KIDZ BOP CD.  For f*ck's sake!!!! The thing I hate most in the world. Kidz Bop. Are you freaking kidding me? Of course it was too late to dispose of the evidence, he saw it and immediately informed me that we would be listening to it as soon as we got in the car.

KILL. ME. NOW.

Whyyyyyyy why why why why is it necessary to ruin perfectly good songs by having annoying children singing them and adding random, high pitched and obnoxious "WOOOOOH!"s or "YEAHHHHHHHH!"s during the middle of the song? WHY? Parents, why can't you teach your children to appreciate music by original artists??? I would understand if it was related to bad language or whatnot, but these are just regular, G-rated songs! 

That being said, I'm not sure I'd rather listen to Fergie sing Big Girl's Don't Cry over the annoying children, but that's for another day. What am I going to do? Maybe it will get lost or broken before I have to pick him up today.

3. My hair. Ugh. Yes I am going to complain about my hair again. I had a gift card to use in Memphis and while I was there I figured I'd go get my hair done because I didn't really have the $150 it would have cost me to do it here. :-(

BIG MISTAKE. It was a disaster from beginning to end. In a nutshell:
-Appointment was made at the wrong location. When I showed up at the spa/salon location, they informed me that my appointment was at their satellite location...AT THE MALL. Oh God. I should have known to just run away then.
-The place was filthy.
-She ruined my hair.
-She spent 4 hours trying to fix it
-She didn't fix it
-She then asked for a tip

So now, instead of my really pretty light auburn hair with blond streaks, I am back to having hair as dark as night, because that was the only thing she could do to fix it, to cover up the FIRE ENGINE RED color it was when she ruined it. I am not kidding when I tell you it looked like this:



I don't know who this girl is, but I appreciate her letting me borrow her picture from Google Images, which came up when I searched for FIRE ENGINE RED HAIR.

So after she "repaired" that, now I have short dark hair. Which is not bad, I've had it this color before and it's really pretty I guess, but it's not what I wanted. So yay now I get to save up $150 to go get it fixed, again, like I had to do after that great Dora incident. At least I don't have a Dora haircut now, but that is only after I made her re-do the haircut too because it was a disaster when she originally was finished.

I have more to say but this is too long as it is. Toodles.
 

1. I'm thinking about applying for this freelance writing job...

Description: 35-40 articles related to space exploration, specifically Mars and returning to the moon for a majority of the articles
Length: About 500 words per article
Bids/Offer: This client is interested in receiving bids from you, and is interested in hiring multiple writers.

I go to the moon all the time...clearly I should be writing articles about it.


2. I am so over this election. I am so over people being so hateful. Why can't people just agree to disagree instead of acting like total jackasses and making everything so damn personal?  I have spared you all by not turning this blog into my own personal political soap box, so this is all I will say. Dear America- quit being such an asshole, vote for who you want to vote for, quit bitching, and deal with the outcome. 



3. How am I ever going to be a writer if I'm not writing anything? I miss writing for the paper. At least it was *something*, albeit small, but it made me feel validated. I need to feel that way again. I need to submit submit submit.  Why am I being such a wussy? Why have I lost my self confidence?

4. LG is possibly getting sick. This is perfect timing seeing as we're supposed to go out of town this weekend. I hope it's just allergies, but this cough is getting worse.  He's being whiny and clingy and do you know how hard it is to type when you have a small boy on top of your left arm?

5. It's 5:15. It's dark and cold outside...and I wouldn't mind crawling in bed right now with a cup of tea and a book and calling it a day. Too bad I have this whole "wife" and "mom" thing to deal with for a few more hours.

Can someone please explain to me why, in a home with 3 bedrooms, a large kitchen, a living room, a bonus room, a garage, a lovely new deck and a fenced in big yard, WHY is there always someone attached to me or following me or sitting on me? WHY?

Do you know how hard it is to type when there is a 3 year old boy sitting on your left arm? And why is my dog, who eats regularly, always acting like he's about to starve to death?

Dear Dog- your breath stinks. Why must you always be at my feet panting and begging for food? Quit circling the table for snacks like a vulture. Calm down. You're not dying. I promise. 

Dear Kid- stop hounding me every 30 seconds for a snack. YOU are not starving either, I promise. If you go an hour without a snack you are not going to fall over and die. This is why we have three meals a day. Why don't you eat those? I know you don't believe me, but it IS possible for us to be in the kitchen and me not open the refrigerator or the pantry to give you something. And DOG- it doesn't help matters with you following me around the kitchen like I have a scooby snack up my butt. And while I'm venting about you, stupid dog, QUIT STEALING FOOD OFF THE TABLE. You never used to do this. Why are you such a bad dog now? I used to be able to leave a Thanksgiving turkey on the coffee table and you would starve to death before you dared to take it. Now you expertly snatch goldfish crackers off any surface and if you don't stop ransacking the trash can I am going to kill you.

It's a sad world when I have to go to the bathroom to get a foot of space between me and someone wanting something. Even then, I usually have someone banging on the door asking me what I'm doing or informing me, frantically, that the door is locked.

I need a vacation.

1. Why does my ankle hurt? Like really, really hurt? This is the one I broke in December but it was supposedly all better. I don't even have any good drugs left over, which I could really use right now, for various reasons.

2. I really, really need some money to fall out of the sky. Why doesn't that ever happen? I love LG's pre-school, but it is proving to be a burden on the finances. That translates into: OH MY GOD WHY IS IT SO DAMN EXPENSIVE? Are they teaching him Mandarin Chinese or something? Perhaps Greek Mythology? Pretty soon I am going to have to stop buying groceries in lieu of my kid being smart. At least they feed him there. He will eat breakfast and lunch and 2 snacks on Monday, Wednesdays and Fridays. That is enough to survive on, right?

3. I hate Comcast Cable. Hate is a word I don't use very often, but I really hate them. They suck. I have never had so many problems with anything in my life like I have had with these people. And I have had a lot of problems.

Dear Comcast, if you read my blog, you charge a lot of freaking money for cable that NEVER WORKS. I went yesterday, on my own time, to YOUR office to replace my "faulty" cable box and guess what? My cable still doesn't work. My internet works, so quit telling me all of the cable going to the house is not working because clearly that is not the case. I hate you.

I haven't watched tv in like 2 weeks. Honestly, I don't really miss it personally. But there are a few shows I'd like to catch. Too bad I have missed everything. I hate you Comcast.

For anyone who doesn't know about the greatest day of my life, here's a little story. When we first moved here, we had a 3 week-long battle with Comcast to get our service working. Like it was insane, ridiculous...they promised us every day for a week they would come out and never showed up, then came and messed everything up, it just went on and on. Being the out-spoken writer that I am, I typed up a sassy little letter to the Vice President of Comcast and thanks to Google, found his fax number, and I am not kidding, within 30 minutes of faxing that sucker I had TWO Comcast vans in my driveway. I have never felt so victorious.

I still have that number jerks. Dare me to use it again.

1. LG made me so proud the other day. My friend was over, we were on the back deck having some coffee and our kids were playing...all of a sudden I see a tiny bare ass. LG just went over to the tree and peed. Sigh. Hub was there, and of course found this hysterical. It WAS hysterical...but I oh God please don't let him do this at school on the playground...or in the Wal-Mart parking lot...or any other public place for that matter.

2. Yesterday someone cut me from their friends list. Should I be offended? Why do people do that? Why add me (a total stranger) to your friends list and then decide you don't want to be my friend anymore? It's not that I particularly care, because I didn't know this person anyway, but I am just puzzled by the whole friends-list-policing thing. Eh, whatever.  Read me. Don't read me. Comment. Don't comment. What does it matter?

3. Cancer sucks. I am not posting this for sympathy or hugs or any crap like that. I am just pissed. After my dad's surgery he was given the "all clear" and we were told that all the cancer cells were dead. Well, guess what? That was a big fat lie. He still has some cancer. So he has to start chemo and radiation again. I was really, really hoping he was done with all that because it's pretty much a form of legalized torture.  Also, doctors really piss me off. He has like 4 of them and apparently they all are working from different agendas and have absolutely no ability what-so-ever to communicate with each other. They have to find out information, IMPORTANT MEDICAL INFORMATION, from my dad...the patient! Hellooooooooooooooo morons!!!!

4. We're going to Memphis this weekend.  Every time I go there I feel one step closer to dying the victim of a violent crime. I need a gun. Incidentally, does anyone watch The First 48? It's a real-life homicide show on A & E...they have been filming in Memphis for the last few years because it's like the murder capital of the world. Anyway, Memphis "officials" have decided to cease filming of the show because they say it "makes Memphis look bad" and the are afraid it's going to affect tourism. Ummmm Memphis already looks bad you idiots. At least with the show we can get a good look at all the murderers before we get there so we can run when we see them coming.

5. Apparently my neighborhood is "infested with black widow spiders", according to a pest control service that was making the rounds door-to-door. At first I told him he was full of crap, and then he led me to my front porch and showed me not one but TWO black widows hanging out in the corner. Nice. That is pretty effective marketing if you ask me. He probably carries them around in his pocket and planted them.  I played the Dumb Wife card and said that they would have to talk to my husband. I love doing that.

6. Everyone knows how much I love Wal-Mart, but seriously, there are some crazy looking, freaky people there. I had to go this morning and OMG what is wrong with some of these people? I think there is a population of underground trolls near here somewhere and they only come out to go to Wal-Mart. Just because you live in the rural south people doesn't mean you can look like a hobo all the time. We have toothbrushes and shampoo here, and even shoes. Ok, they wear shoes...but barely. And I must have seen 594839506 pregnant ones. I guess it's breeding season.

7. That was mean. I should be nicer.

8. I am going to be mean again. Just as I was typing number 7, my doorbell rang. Two fresh-faced young girls, approximately 15 to 17 years old came to my porch to encourage bible reading. Whyyyyyyyyy? God please hear me: There HAS to be something better you could be having these young people do to serve you besides go door-to-door telling people to read their bibles. What if I was some kind of crazy person who liked 15-17 year old girls and you just sent two very innocent, naive ones to my door, to ask me "do you think the world is going to be better in the future?"  Uhhhhhhhh quit coming to my freaking house and bothering me with your bible-reading and black-widow-killing services, then my world will be much brighter THANK YOU VERY MUCH.  Does anyone else feel totally imposed upon when people come to your door like that? That is probably my #1 pet peeve. I am at home because I don't want to deal with the world, jerkoffs! Leave me alone!

Phew, that was fun.

If you insist on being a total ass and increasing postage rates every other day could you at least oh, I dunno, print the denomination of the postage on the freakin' stamps so I can keep them straight?

Printing "First Class" on it does not tell anything seeing as you change them all the damn time. I have three books of stamps in my wallet and the only ones with a number on them are .39 stamps and what were those, 3 rates ago????

*$&#^&*%*

Rant over.