I know I haven't posted in a while. I've been feeling pretty blaaaaaaaah due to repeat sinus infections, an allergic reaction to Memphis and seeing myself in recent photographs.

Anyway, Christmas was fun. LG had a blast. Santa was good to him. He got a jeep. I got a Belgian Waffle maker. Life is so not fair.

Although Hub changed my Facebook status to read that he was the best husband in the entire world because he got me a new car for Christmas, it was rather disappointing to go in and change it to the actual gift, which was a carD.

Every year on Christmas morning we have this little unofficial contest of who can look like the biggest Christmas jackass. It all began several years ago when my poor sister foolishly came to a family Christmas party dressed like a nursing home resident. Complete with red sweat pants and a matching red sweatshirt with snowmen on it. She felt bad because our grandmother had given it to her, so she wore it. Anyway, even though Granny has passed away, we still make no effort to not laugh our asses off at that memory. She has never lived it down and she never will.

So begins our journey. One year, Hub and I wore matching green sweatshirts with kittens wearing santa hats on it. It said "We hope your Christmas is purrrrrfect." Score.

Last year, I wore a gray sweatshirt with a reindeer on it, handmade by my beloved child at his preschool. Sweet? Yes. Fashionable? No. It was a big hit.

One year, Hub got a plain sweatshirt and wrote on it "Chip's Appliqued Christmas Sweatshirt" and drew a horrible sketch of a snowman and a crooked tree. Nicely done.

Well, this year, in all the chaos we just forgot to get something dumb to wear and really didn't think much about it, until my sister comes out on Christmas morning and busts out the Christmas Jackass outfit of all time, in Michelle Duggar form no less.

Behold:



My only regret is that the photo cuts off. It went all the way to her ankles complete with black house slippers. She also worked extra hard to get the poof on the top of her head.

She wins.

I'm the only John Wayne left in this town.


THAT would be a snippet of the lyrical masterpiece that is Big & Rich's Save a Horse (Ride a Cowboy). In case you're wondering, I know every single word to this song now, because I made the mistake of letting LG hear it on the way to Memphis last Friday. He seemed to like it, and I was instructed to play it the entire way there. I am sooooo not kidding people. 3+ hours of this song on a loop is nearly a religious experience. Also, I might add, that he likes his music "LOUD. I WANT IT LOUD. LOUD!"

Yes, I'm a sucker. Yes, he is spoiled. Yes, I could have refused and listened to the wrath of Jacob, but I chose not to because honestly, it was keeping him entertained in the car, which is sometimes a challenge. (And by challenge I mean the 7th level of hell)

So...we listened to "The Cowboy Song!"....um...a lot...in fact, according to my calculations, approximately 54 times. For once I didn't mind stopping for bathroom breaks or phone calls. It wasn't all bad, I mean, I got to scrutinize and interpret such thought provoking lyrics like:

DUM-DE-DE-DUM, DE-DE-DUM-DE-DE-DUM, 
DE-DAA-DAAAAA
DUM-DE-DE-DUM, DE-DE-DUM-DE-DE-DUM, 
DE-DAA-DAA-DAA-DAA-DAAAA!

and

So I took her out giggin frogs
Introduced her to my old bird dog
And sang her every Wilie Nelson song I could think of
And we made love

I've never had a man seduce me with frog giggin'  and Willie Nelson songs, but I can see how that might work. I can't imagine anything getting me in the mood more than spearing frogs through the guts while being serenaded by On the Road Again.

I'm off to make waffles with my new Belgian waffle iron, but stay tuned for a proper Christmas post...or something cynical and weird, or both. Who knows.

Could it be that I am actually ready for Christmas? If you answered no, you're right. But...I almost am!  Here's the thing, I have to be ready by the 19th...that's in just a few days. That's when I'm leaving town so all shopping, wrapping, baking, etc must be done by then.

Shopping- check. I have one more gift to pick up, but Hub is in charge of it.

Wrapping- check. All presents are wrapped except I need to doll them up with bows. I also have one more present being shipped so obviously I have to wrap that one, but that's it...I think.

Baking- Ugh. Haven't even started. I think I'm going to do the chocolate covered pretzels again this year, they were a big hit. I am going to make them for LG's preschool teachers and Hub's co-workers...maybe some neighbors. I don't know. But I need to get/give/make those people a little something. I will do that tomorrow and/or Thursday.

I need to do massive amounts of laundry and pack...and leave a deposit at the vet's to board the dog. I think that's all...but stuff always sneaks up on me that I forgot about...

OH...I just remembered something. Crap.

Cupcake Face!! We made chocolate cupcakes last night. Guess who wanted to lick the beater?

Ok...let it be said that I love Christmas. Let it also be said that I hate tacky Christmas decorations. If this offends you in any way, please don't take it personally. Not everyone thinks that a giant penguin wearing a Santa hat is beautiful, ok? I get it, it's for the kids. Whatev.

Lookie what Hub decided to do this year:

 

Look how BIG they are. My dog, for comparison, is freaking enormous and looks like a rodent next to these things.

I hate them and I want to shoot them. (I have a gun) Nothing celebrates the birth of Jesus like 6-foot tall snowmen and Santas tethered to your yard all lit up and float-y.

Speaking of my dog, look what he does when we eat popcorn:

(look closely)

And here's our Elf Picture just for good measure. (courtesy of www.elfyourself.com)  If you didn't see the actual video of this, you're doing yourself an injustice and you can watch it here.

THIS is the year we are going to have loads of Christmas fun. Although this will be LG's 4th Christmas, this is going to be the one where he kind of just *gets it* you know?

First Christmas, 2005. He was just a wee chub and while his mom and dad were entertained with sticking bows on his head, he really didn't know what all the fuss was about, but the lights sure were interesting.



2nd Christmas, 2006- age 1. Boxes and wrapping paper were interesting, whatever was inside them was not. WHO IS THIS CRAZY MO-FO THAT I AM SITTING ON? Are you people on crack?




3rd Christmas, 2007- age 2. Traumatized by last years events we decided not to visit Santa. That also might have had something to do with me being handicapped with a broken foot. Regardless, last year was a bit of a blur. I can't even find a picture. If I do, I'll update.

4th Christmas, 2008. Present day. Yay! Time to talk about Santa and reindeer and all that cool stuff! 

The conversation we just had:

Me: Hey Jacob, which one of those stockings is yours?
LG: The green one.
Me: Right! Do you know why that's hanging there on the fireplace?
LG: Ummmmmmmm. No. (then he mubled something about feet, I didn't catch what he said)
Me: Well, when Santa comes, he's going to fill it up with toys and candy! 
LG: Coooooooooool!!
Me: Do you know how he gets in the house?
LG: The garage door?
Me: No! He flies in the sky with reindeer and lands his sleigh on the very top of our house, then he comes out of the fireplace!! (points to fireplace)
LG: (blank stare. Proceeds to wander over to the fireplace and stick his head in.)
LG: He's too big to come through there.
Me: He's magic!
LG: No! He will break my house. He's too big. See? This is too small for him. (sticks head farther in) He's going to break it! 
Me: I told you, he's magic! Just like how his reindeer fly through the sky.
LG: Reindeers can't fly. You're silly Mommy. (giggles) Tell him to come through the back door.

Sigh.

Quit ruining my Christmas fun, you rational child!!

It's raining like a bitch outside so naturally today is the day I have five million places to go. I already did an epic Christmas shop and I am maybe almost done shopping... I say maybe because stuff always creeps up on me. I still have several things to get but it feels good to get a big chunk of it out of the way.

Santa was good to LG this year, as his two big gifts are:

(bought used from a friend, thank God.)

And a Cars scooter. I have no idea why but all this kid has been asking for is a freakin scooter. I didn't even know he knew what a scooter was.

Anyway...those two plus a bunch of other various and sundry toy items will make a very nice Christmas for him, I hope. I even got a buttload of Play-Doh stuff even though I detest Play-Doh and the thought of cleaning it all up makes me want to crawl in a hole and die...oh the things we do for our children.

Today I still have some more shopping to do, a doctor's appointment (ugh) and then a trip to the grocery store to buy all my Thanksgiving goodies. I really wish it would stop raining.

Oh...I still need to get presents for a few people so if my parent's are reading this please comment and tell me what you want. :-)

This is hysterical. LG has made me play it no less than a thousand times today.