Good Morning...

Coffee? Check.
Clean house? Sorta Check.
Swine flu? Check.
Insane dreams? Check.



First things first...Jacob has swine flu! Ack!! OMG my kid has pig flu...this is the worst thing ever!! That's exactly what I thought until he actually got it. Newsflash: It's not a big deal. At all. In fact, I have seen him more sick when he's well. He had a very low fever and threw up Friday night. I had a funny feeling so I called the doctor...mostly because when you have a 6 week old infant in the house you really can't be too careful. Anyway- they said it would probably be a good idea to see him. This was at 11:30 am. They closed at 12:00. My regular office wasn't open on Saturday, but the one 40 minutes away was. Hmm. OF COURSE Hub was at work. The baby was crying because he was hungry. We were all in our pajamas. But I just had this nagging feeling that I should go. I seriously pulled out the best Mom Win of my mom career. (Horrifying child birth experiences not included.)

Did you know that it is possible to get yourself dressed (albeit in a huge ugly sweatshirt, jeans, ugly shoes and no socks), a 4 year-old dressed, a bottle prepared and a baby flung in a car seat in approximately 2.5 minutes? Yeah I didn't think so either. We managed to get to the office at 12:12...they waited for me, thank goodness. They tested him and sure enough he had it. Since it was caught within the first 24 hours they can give him Tamiflu...a wonder drug, if you ask me. By yesterday morning he was bouncing off the walls again. Oh joy. Anyway- he's perfectly fine...but I'm still obviously making him rest. By "making him rest" I mean telling him to rest and him not listening.

Oh and the makers of Tamiflu can officially kiss my rear. I think I need to take out a second mortgage to buy their stupid drug. Let me just say if this is, according to our fearless leader, supposedly a "national emergency" WTF do they not make the drug that treats it AFFORDABLE?

Moving on- I went on a mad disinfecting rampage yesterday morning. Which resulted in a very clean house, at least most of it. Of course now it's close to post-bomb state again, but it was nice while it lasted. I seriously do not understand how that happens so fast. If I am literally not cleaning something during all waking hours it just evolves into this explosion of crap. I guess I know what I'm doing today. Again.

And now for the dreams...I am having crazy nightmares lately. First- flesh eating vampires take me hostage and try to impregnate me. Unfortunately they were not hot sexy vampires like Edward Cullen, who, come on, let's face it, I wouldn't mind that dream so much. Except for the flesh eating part. These were uber creepy, disheveled, zombie-looking vampires. Incidentally, their methods of procreation didn't involve anything carnal, thank goodness. They had these viles of blue liquid which reminded me of those shooters you get in Cancun at those skeezy bars...Anyway- it was freaky. And they would force their captives to bite out chunks of your own flesh and spit it out so they could eat it. I managed to escape and find a cop, who turned out to be one of their own. This went on and on...and it really was more like I was living in horror movie inside my own head. Eventually we (myself and another hostage) managed to outsmart them, lead them to the outside of this strip mall we were hiding out in and then they vaporized in the sun. The end. (neither of us got knocked up)

The next dream was much scarier, in the sense that I related to it. I ended up in some middle eastern country, in a Tom Cruise movie. (Why do most of my dreams have me in movies? But it's real. But it's still a movie?) Anywho- we were in this weird flea market type department store, which was inside a mall. If we could just cross the "border", which was really just leaving the store and making it into the mall, we would be safe. But I had my children with me...Jacob, Ethan...and another baby. After a shootout, ninja-style fight, high speed foot-chase, sneaking around and eventually negotiating, they released me. But they only let me have the two babies and not Jacob. I refused to go, but the threw me out the doors with the babies. I was on the floor holding them just sobbing and screaming for Jacob, but they wouldn't let him out. It was AWFUL.

The end. Going to go boil my house now. Later.

1. Yesterday, this local restaurant that I really like (sorry Mom, too bad you weren't here) was celebrating their anniversary by offering HALF PRICE everything on the menu. So, Hub being the wonderful Hub that he is, took me there for lunch. And you better believe I had a bacon-wrapped filet, loaded baked potato, salad with homemade ranch dressing and about 7 million homemade rolls for LUNCH. Seriously- it was the most enjoyable eating experience I've had in months and all for...ready...six bucks. I have never eaten so much in all my life. It was quite something to see, I'm sure. I have noticed that with this pregnancy, I have been so freakin hungry sometimes it's insane. This never happened before. This whole experience is so different than when I had Jacob.

2. Before lunch I had put a roast in the crock pot to make Mexican shredded beef for soft tacos, so for dinner, many hours after my stomach had recovered from the steak-fest, we had those for dinner and YUMMMMMM. I haven't eaten meat in weeks so I guess I was due. 

3. Crazy Dream #1: Hub and I were driving down Highway 64 in Memphis (Cordova area, actually...headed towards Eads...) anyway...all of a sudden, the highway becomes deserted and I look over to my left and there's this huge hot air balloon, but instead of the normal smallish basket of people, it's carrying this convertible shuttle bus looking thing with probably about 15 business people in it, all dressed in suits. If that wasn't strange enough, there was this freakishly enormous black and white cow harnessed to the front of the bus, like a horse would be if it was drawing a carriage. This cow was the size of a school bus, I am not kidding.

This of course is not bizarre at all in my dream, and I wasn't even surprised when the cow balloon followed us down this deserted path off the highway. We made our way to this construction zone, and then to some kind of obstacle course...that I was having a hard time conquering because I had become strapped to the enormous cow. Finally, some of the nice business people lent me a hand and helped me up the climbing wall....and I said, "Thanks. Wow, that was really hard. I've never done this attached to a cow before."  And then this dumb bitch in an ugly suit piped up and said "WELL, you ARE the fattest one here!" and I said "I'm not fat, I'm pregnant! See!" and I lifted up my shirt and exposed my huge baby-belly that was shaped like an actual baby. She apologized and then chastized me for carting a huge cow up a climbing wall and said pregnant women shouldn't be toting around cows.

4. Crazy Dream #2: I was living in Pioneer times in Nashville. It was sooo weird. I wore the crazy long dresses, my hair was a mile long and put up in some weird kind of bun, no electricity...it was like Little House on the Prarie, except we were living in Opryland. (An old theme/amusement park here that has since been replaced by a stupid mall, for those of you not in the know.)

I was also a "witch". I could move things with my mind..they put me on display like a freak show and people would come and watch me move watermelons. The local young, handsome doctor was in love with me, but he was afraid to marry me because I was a witch and he thought the town would exile him if he married me, so we were having this secret affair.

And yet another episode from whitehousemom 's crazy-ass dreams.

The saga picks up last night, as I was in some GIGANTIC mall in Dallas, TX. (Never been there, btw...except the airport). This mall was literally like the size of an entire city. I kept having to go to the dentist, and to get there I had to park in some garage, walk through this Caribbean restaurant/bar, then walk through Macy's which was the size of a planet.

I kept doing this over and over. It was like Groundhog Day. Annoying.

Well, apparently, I was wearing these ridiculously high heels...that were zebra print no less, and they were too uncomfortable to walk in, so instead of leaving them in my car or something equally reasonable, I would hide them inside Macy's so I could get them back on the way to my car. These were my most favorite shoes ever and I was really attached to them.



The last trip back to my car, I was horrified to see that Macy's had taken down that entire display where I hid the shoes, and not only that, they had re-modeled, so not only could I not find my prized shoes, I could not find my way back to my car. The store had several entrances and garages, and the only way I knew my way was to follow through the housewares department and go out the door besides the ceramic pigs and the George Foreman grills. (wtf)

I rallied every employee and manager of the store to help me find my zebra shoes. They were not very willing. I was informed that they were last year's shoes and obviously not a priority for them.

I then ended up in some Cuban night club (different place from the Caribbean joint) and my grandmother who died three years ago was there. I have been dreaming about her a lot lately. She was drinking coffee with a fat man who had run up a $70 tab.

After that I was lost in Macy's again, trying to find my car. I have a LOT of dreams about trying to find my car, this is nothing new, but it's almost always while I'm back in high school...never in a crazy mall in Texas.

Seriously where does this stuff come from? The only connection I can make is that I started a book this weekend and I named a character Macy. The rest is a mystery.

My dreams are becoming so disturbing that I am dreading going to sleep now. :-(  Last night was another one where I woke up flailing around in the bed because I was so terrified in my dream. I was in an elevator that dropped from the 36th floor. I was barreling towards my death because I was being punished for being a bad mother. That is my biggest physical fear by the way...rogue elevators crashing to the ground.

Dreams are supposed to be fun for Godssake! Why can't I dream about my boyfriend Clinton Kelly every night? I am going to go into cardiac arrest soon. 

Bear with me. This is probably like 3 posts in 1. But it's chock full of entertainment.

Today I gave my kitchen chairs a makeover by re-upholstering them. They needed it desperately. I think this fabric used to be somewhere in the white family, but it had turned a dingy gray with food-stained polka dots and various other decorations a la Little Guy.

Before:



After!





I originally bought that fabric to make a valance over the french doors in the kitchen, but seeing as it has been in the closet for a year (or more) I decided I could go ahead and use it for the chairs. I think they will look super fantastic when and if I ever get around to painting the table and chairs black.

Moving on, I made the most awesome dessert the other night when we had some friends over for dinner. It's a Double Chocolate Triple Berry Trifle and it was Omigodgood. I made up the recipe and everything, but it was super easy. The "triple" berries were strawberries, blackberries and a raspberry sauce served on top (not pictured). The "double" chocolate was a devil's food dark chocolate cake and white chocolate pudding filling. It also has about a ton of FRESH whipped cream. (no canned or Cool Whip, people.)



I borrowed the trifle dish from my neighbor and returned it to her half full so we wouldn't eat the whole damn thing.

Ok, next topic. My dog will eat anything you throw at him. He's pretty trusting that it's a piece of meat or cheese or something he likes. I have always wanted to test this theory to see if he would still catch and immediately inhale ANYTHING I threw at his mouth that I was eating. Well, I did it. I was eating a dill pickle tonight and he was at my feet, begging, as usual. So naturally I threw a pickle at him. He caught it and it was hilarious watching him try to spit it out even though he had halfway swallowed it. I guess he doesn't like pickles, but the amusement was worth it all.

Number next: It's time for a new installment of Whitehousemom's Crazy Dreams.
The other night I dreamed I was at my sister's house (which is, incidentally, the former home of my deceased grandmother, so I'm always freaked out there anyway) and I was asleep, but got up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom. I opened the door and in the hallway standing right in front of me was this decayed dead girl blocking my way. She kind of looked like the creepy girl from The Ring, with the black hair and white nightgown but her hair was up in a tight bun, so I could totally see her rotting off face. In my dream I was trying to scream for help and the sounds wouldn't come out. I was TERRIFIED and Hub even had to wake me up because I was thrashing around and trying to scream. Nice.

Another look into my crazy sub-concious. I know it's long, but you have to read it. You just have to.

Last night's dream:

Hub and I are out on a date or something. After dinner I see a Dairy Queen, and we're inside a mall of sort, so naturally I have to go get some ice cream. I guess in my dreams I have no need to resist temptation. So we walk over and I order a "medium chocolate and vanilla swirl dipped cone".  (Incidentally, if you've never been to a DQ, you should know that is an impossible order. Their ice cream only comes in vanilla. At least around here. I was in a DQ once in Florida that had chocolate, but it couldn't be swirled, because it would mess up the DQ signature cone, see below.)

This guy making my ice cream cone is having sooooo many issues. Like he can't get the ice cream to stay on the cone, it keeps melting off, etc etc...after like 10 minutes of watching the DQ guy struggle to make a vanilla (no swirl) dipped cone, I finally tell him that isn't even what I ordered. Also, the cone he was trying to make for me was the size of a loaf of bread. The conversation went like this:

DQ guy: What? What else did you order? You ordered 2 things. I have your change right here.
Me: I was wondering why it was so expensive for one cone. No, I didn't order two.
DQ guy: Are you sure? (he's not the one that took my order)
Me: Yes, I'm sure.
DQ guy: Well how is your English? Maybe you didn't know how to order correctly.
Me: Uhmmm I think my English is good enough to order an ice cream cone.
DQ guy: I'm going to get the manager.

So- the manager and the DQ guy spend an ungodly amount of time trying to make my cone and they can't do it. So finally, annoyed, I just scream at them to forget it and I want my money back.  So they go to the register and give me $48 and some change, approximately $44 more than they owed me. I sat and looked at it for a second. Contemplated putting it in my pocket and walking away, but then I said to myself that it was wrong and I need to "practice what I preach" and then gave the money back.

Since no good deed goes unpunished, I had to sit and wait FOREVER for their accounting expert to figure out how to put the money back into the computer. He even said, "you know, it would be a lot easier if you just took it." I said "I can't. That's not right. I have a little boy I am trying to teach right from wrong and I am not a hypocrite."  (GO ME. GO ME GO GO GO ME!)

Finally, like the VP of DQ comes over to help. She says "You know, I have an idea that could make us all happy. You just take the $48 and we will automatically enter you into our 'Lady in Red' pageant tonight. She handed me a brochure. I looked down and was already dressed for the occasion in a white feathered dress with red trim. I said "OK!" because obviously this was a wonderful idea and I didn't have to feel bad for taking their money. (I never did get any ice cream btw)

I looked kind of like this, but it was bright white, and had straps, and no belt.


So then finally I'm in this pageant thing. I'm up against like 5 other women, and they were all black, and very animated, and kind of scary because they were like pageant hard core. I was in this crazy dress. We were dancing and singing. There was a huge crowd. I was having the time of my life. I was all over this pageant, I was in it to win it. AND I DID. I won. Which all of a sudden meant I had to go to Miami for the national pageant. I was psyched! This was like the greatest thing that had ever happened to me.

Until my mom ruined it.

She comes up to me and says "you only won because you look like a drag queen." She laughed, and left...I was DE-VA-STA-TED. Suddenly I had to go to a group photo and I was late and everyone was already into position, so I had to squeeze in and totally messed everything up and the photographer got all pissed and called everyone out of the picture so he could place us all back in one at a time because I ruined it. I screamed "I'M ONLY HERE BECAUSE I LOOK LIKE A DRAG QUEEN AND I RUINED THE PICTURE, TOO. I QUIT!!!!" and ran away crying and weeping, completely hysterical.

Everyone was freaking out trying to figure out what was wrong and then word got out that someone told me I only won because I looked like a drag queen and everyone felt really sorry for me and organized some rally for me and then they came up to me one at a time and started donating all their prizes to me.  I was seriously getting like thousands and thousands of dollars worth of stuff. Then my sister got on mic and started reading a letter that my friend wrote to me, saying how awesome I am and he wanted to find someone there that could sing a Duran Duran song to me to cheer me up.

My mom got wind of this, was suddenly in Miami (everyone I knew was in Miami- at a mall) and felt horrible and told me she was just kidding and she thought I would think it was funny. She felt so bad she went and met this supermodel that was there and told her that I needed to be hired for their "Nashville division". She introduced me to her and she liked me and wanted me to model wedding dresses, she took my number and said she would call me. I was SO relieved. I just knew this would be the answer to my financial problems and I wouldn't have to worry about how I was going to pay for LG's school anymore...because I was going to be a wedding dress model. (WHAT?!?!)

That's pretty much it except for some other details I left out because this post would be like 10 pages if I kept going. This dream had tons of people that I knew in it...friends I hadn't seen in years, internet friends I had never met, family...it was so bizarre.

My head hurts so bad that my face hurts. Does that even make sense? I hate spring for this very reason. The flowers, trees and grass are very pretty but they make everything above my shoulders hurt.

I am having the wackiest dreams lately. If I didn't know any better I would think that I was about 8 months pregnant. Hey, maybe I am one of those women who doesn't know she's pregnant until the baby falls out when she goes to pee. This came up on someone's blog the other day and I call the BS card. If you don't realize that there is a human being growing inside of your abdomen then I proclaim to all the world that you're clearly mentally impaired and not fit to be a mother anyway. I mean, come on now...it MOVES, it sucks the life right out of you, it makes you pee every 10 seconds and there is a list of about a hundred other unpleasant things it makes you do, so I guess if you already are a big, wobbly, miserable lump whose body doesn't do anything attractive then maybe you wouldn't realize it. No, I still think it's BS.

Anywho...my dreams. INSANE. Last night I dreamed that I was listening to my favorite radio show Free Beer and Hot Wings (it's syndicated, see if you get it, you won't be disappointed) and all of a sudden pinkpiper222 (who abandoned me) called into the show and was talking all about her LJ friends. I was all "Oh my God, I know her!!" as I was listening to her give brief summaries of all her LJ friends but then I got really mad because she was giving all the wrong facts about them.  Like when she said "and then there's my funny friend, whitehousemom. She lives near you (?) and has a 3 month old baby who does all kinds of crazy things..."  I was yelling at the radio and getting all pissed like "NO HE'S THREE. MAYBE IF YOU WERE AROUND MORE YOU'D KNOW LG WAS THREE YEARS NOT THREE MONTHS OLD" (hint hint)  No really, I really dreamed that.

Then, I was at Kroger buying groceries and there was like a thousand people in line and only 2 lanes open. They were so under-staffed, that the manager, Ann Curry, was even working the registers. I guess she does this on her days off at the Today Show. She wasn't a very good checker and it took forever, she kept having to look up all my produce. Then, FINALLY, she's done and I go outside only to find that some weird guy has stolen my pick-up truck (I don't have a pick-up truck) and he's holding it for ransom until I go to his flea market/rummage sale/yard sale he's having under a tent. 

So, I finally get to this tent down a dirt road, past the Kroger parking lot, and it's full of all kinds of crap from my childhood and my mom's old house. Shelves and shelves of crap that we got rid of long ago. And then some new stuff that the weird dude was trying to sell like Guitar Hero and some amps, and a backpack with a cow on it.  Dude is still not giving me my truck and I'm trying to sell all of this crap and nobody would even come into our tent. Finally, Hub arrived to see what the problem was and went and had "words" with Crazy Man and then they both disappeared. I followed them down the dirt road and they started fighting with Evel Dick, but had turned into big rats or opossums or something ugly with big claws.  One of them got mauled and crawled over to me in a big bloody mess and collapsed in my hands. At this point I'm not sure who it was but it was neither Hub Rat or Crazy Man Rat, but I was genuinely concerned for her and screamed out for someone to call 911. Apparently in my dreams it is not uncommon to call 911 for injured rodents, because they came right away and fixed her right up.  I had now had enough and decided to walk home, but the only shoes I had were ridiculously high peach heels with an ankle strap. I nearly killed myself trying to walk down the rocky dirt road, but I had to escape and I was covered in rat blood.

I lost all my groceries, too.